Thursday, April 11, 2013
None of this would be strange or foreign if you knew that the formal title which males use to address other males in China directly translates to "bro".
Monday, June 20, 2011
The new trend is going viral!
In the MacCar, the accelerate and brake pedals for automatic cars have been combined into one pedal. For manual transmission cars, the clutch pedal is now a small bead that rolls around.
Its successor, the MacCar Pro, now allows you to customize your car in different colors, comes with more acceleration sounds, including vroom and VROOOM, prints PRO on your grill, and much more!
In the MacSiegeTank, siege mode and tank mode have been combined into one mode, allowing movement while sieged.
Its successor, the MacSiegeTank Pro, now says “BOOM” in a burly black man voice on every shot.
In the MacLife, viral and bacterial diseases do not exist.
For the MacLife Pro, you pay a random arbitrary amount of additional money for this feature.
In the MacNuke, you are not using the launch “function”, you are using the launch “command”. Therefore you have to press the button differently. (Note: Difference not specified nor included.)
In the MacNuke Pro, you press the button with 100% more satisfaction guaranteed.
In the MacPC, reality tears.
In the MacPC Pro, reality is rebuilt, to be torn the same way.
This article has been a proud presentation of Planebarf.
God has almost finished the single-player campaign in the hit RPG, “Reality”!
Earth’s temperature has been raised by an average of 5.57 degrees Celcius in order to accommodate for the incoming end of the world.
Sea level has been given a flat boost of 500 meters.
A growth mechanic has been added to sea level. Sea level will rise by 150 meters per hour.
Resources have been naturally depleted by a flat ratio of 0.884.
Meteors have been spawned near Earth. (Note: Altering the path of normal meteors was too predictable, detectable, and obvious.)
Religion has been given a 75% boost to gullibility and stupidity.
Non-believers are now under a permanent buff, “Science and Logic”. It gives them an additional 50% chance to be bullied by believers for no reason whatsoever.
Non-believers are now under a permanent debuff, “Frustration”. It makes non-believers 20% more irritable to listen to people talk about the world ending.
Tigers have been given 12% more stripes.
Purely “white” people now make up less than 1% of the world’s total population.
Pure white people have claimed independence from the rest of the human race.
Asian blood now resides in 95% of the human race.
Real estate availability is now 0%, down from 0.001%.
Black people have finally permitted the use of the “n” word by other races.
Latino’s are now 30% more happy for no apparent reason.
Middle Eastern people are now 25% more cocky for discovering a new way to do math.
An “interactive cinematic” function has been added for the remaining 24 hours.
Graphic rendering now goes up to 14 dimensions.
Many interactions have been remodelled to use the new keyboardless/mouseless keyboard and mouse input interface.
Pandora’s Box has finally been closed. There is now no disease, war, etc. However, there is also no hope.
The login screen has been updated with new art.
Epic music has been added to play for the next 24 hours. No music in particular, just “epic” music.
This article has been a proud presentation of Planebarf.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Monday, July 26, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
If there is a mirror in your room when you give birth to a narcissist, you've automatically had twins.
It's impossible to commit identity theft on a narcissist, because they only carry photo ID credit cards.
A narcissist's 4-number PIN is easy to guess because it will always be the largest number, 9999.
Einstein's theory of relativity does not apply to narcissists because a narcissist does not acknowledge the fact that they can be compared to something.
In a narcissist's vocabulary, the word "absolute" is redundant because it is assumed.
In a narcissist's vocabulary, the word "best" does not exist because it is assumed.
Narcissists are natural romantics because they will always talk about your I's.
A narcissists speech impediment is not a lisp, it's an echo.
The word imperfect is actually "I'm perfect".
Narcissist artists can only draw self-portraits.
Narcissists treat everyone equally because everyone is equally not as perfect as the narcissist.
Narcissists are incapable of discrimination because there are only two categories from a narcissist's point of view: himself and everybody else.
A narcissist does not "lose". You were "allowed to win".
Narcissists are very understanding people, because if they are not, the commoners will revolt.
A narcissist will never believe what you have to say to him unless you convince him that he is right.
Narcissists are never caught "off-guard". They are caught "pretending not to know".
--To be continued...
Monday, March 29, 2010
A. A bond of friendship will be kept between Individual and Anomaly if and only if the terms listed in this contract are followed.
B. A bond of friendship will be broken, with penalty, if the terms are not properly followed.
This agreement is hereby witness to:
A. The terms - considers the requirements necessary for the Anomaly to remain as a friend of the Individual.
B. Services - considers all actions the Individual expects from the Anomaly.
C. Compensation - considers all returns and payments towards the Anomaly by the Individual if the terms and services of this contract are followed
D. Terms of Cancellation - considers the punishment of each respective party should the contract be violated after approval or before an arbitrary Termination Date.
Section A - Terms
1. The Anomaly must not expand their body mass pass a certain weight threshold.
2. The Anomaly must not expand their body mass such that their physical image is no longer "pretty" (As defined by the Individual).
Section B - Services
1. Anomaly must endure...
a. Excessive compliments.
c. Critically impaired judgement.
2. Anomaly must accept...
a. All sincere invitations to play Defense of the Ancients.
Section C - Compensation
In return, the Individual must compensate, by the terms of the contract, to the Anomaly, a value of at least three (3) pieces of currency (as defined in (1) of this section) per game of Defense of the Ancients.
1. Whereas currency is the amount of sacrificial hero deaths.
Section D - Violation
In the event that this contract is breached without prior warning from the Anomaly, accepted by the Individual, the Anomaly is thereby subject to the following fines.
1. The delivery of a personally hand-made Sandwich to the Individual.
a. Whereas a Sandwich is defined as "Bread, Ham, Lettuce, Tomato, Bread", with other optional elements included.
IN ACCORDANCE WITH the Individual and Anomaly having both read through and agreeing with all statements contained within this contract, then this Agreement will have been executed as shown by the signatures of both parties below.