Thursday, April 11, 2013

Words of Wisdumb - The Chinese "Bro"


Do all the Chinese in your community know each other? Is there never a shortage of grandmas whom you need to watch your manners around...each time you visit your Chinese friend's house? Maybe you're the guy who dated the exotic asian babe in school, only to find out later from her that she's related to the school's biggest geek through a relationship that confused you by the time her explanation went from mothers and fathers to the "great granduncle, in town for only a visit, who saved a beautiful young maiden from a pack of hungry wolves when she strayed too far from home and they ended up having a lovechild before marrying their arranged spouses, whom both coincidentally died of an illness when news got out that the great granduncle's younger brother encountered the same experience with the prior beautiful maiden's younger sister but was an upcoming civil servant SO HAPPILY EVER AFTER".


None of this would be strange or foreign if you knew that the formal title which males use to address other males in China directly translates to "bro".

Monday, June 20, 2011

Macs are PRO


The new trend is going viral!

In the MacCar, the accelerate and brake pedals for automatic cars have been combined into one pedal. For manual transmission cars, the clutch pedal is now a small bead that rolls around.

Its successor, the MacCar Pro, now allows you to customize your car in different colors, comes with more acceleration sounds, including vroom and VROOOM, prints PRO on your grill, and much more!

In the MacSiegeTank, siege mode and tank mode have been combined into one mode, allowing movement while sieged.

Its successor, the MacSiegeTank Pro, now says “BOOM” in a burly black man voice on every shot.

In the MacLife, viral and bacterial diseases do not exist.

For the MacLife Pro, you pay a random arbitrary amount of additional money for this feature.

In the MacNuke, you are not using the launch “function”, you are using the launch “command”. Therefore you have to press the button differently. (Note: Difference not specified nor included.)

In the MacNuke Pro, you press the button with 100% more satisfaction guaranteed.

In the MacPC, reality tears.

In the MacPC Pro, reality is rebuilt, to be torn the same way.

This article has been a proud presentation of Planebarf.

The Doomsday Patch


God has almost finished the single-player campaign in the hit RPG, “Reality”!

Patch 12.20.2012


Earth’s temperature has been raised by an average of 5.57 degrees Celcius in order to accommodate for the incoming end of the world.

Sea level has been given a flat boost of 500 meters.

A growth mechanic has been added to sea level. Sea level will rise by 150 meters per hour.

Resources have been naturally depleted by a flat ratio of 0.884.

Meteors have been spawned near Earth. (Note: Altering the path of normal meteors was too predictable, detectable, and obvious.)


Religion has been given a 75% boost to gullibility and stupidity.

Non-believers are now under a permanent buff, “Science and Logic”. It gives them an additional 50% chance to be bullied by believers for no reason whatsoever.

Non-believers are now under a permanent debuff, “Frustration”. It makes non-believers 20% more irritable to listen to people talk about the world ending.


Tigers have been given 12% more stripes.

Purely “white” people now make up less than 1% of the world’s total population.

Pure white people have claimed independence from the rest of the human race.

Asian blood now resides in 95% of the human race.

Real estate availability is now 0%, down from 0.001%.

Black people have finally permitted the use of the “n” word by other races.

Latino’s are now 30% more happy for no apparent reason.

Middle Eastern people are now 25% more cocky for discovering a new way to do math.


An “interactive cinematic” function has been added for the remaining 24 hours.

Graphic rendering now goes up to 14 dimensions.

Many interactions have been remodelled to use the new keyboardless/mouseless keyboard and mouse input interface.

Bug Fixes

Pandora’s Box has finally been closed. There is now no disease, war, etc. However, there is also no hope.


The login screen has been updated with new art.

Epic music has been added to play for the next 24 hours. No music in particular, just “epic” music.

This article has been a proud presentation of Planebarf.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Avalanche of Emotion


Jennifer was 17. It was an age she had been looking forward to ever since her wild childhood. This was a time where she expected to be basking in the glorified radiance of youth. However, ridden with a flood of despair as she glared at the daunting haunted house of homework sitting on her desk, her sanity dangled by a thread.

The storm of math problems drove Jennifer into the cataclysm of despair. Punching numbers into her mind, the cyclone of numbers wouldn't cease their flurry of assaults. Many times the thought would cross her mind, "Maybe I'll just stop here and get part marks", but the looming test would create a titan of a shadow over Jennifer as she had already dug herself abysmally deep into a trench of bad grades.

It would be a long and cold night, as Jennifer could feel herself thrashing against the intense blizzard of time. Her clock, sitting in what seemed the most gloomy corner of the room, ticked with a creeping venom of obnoxiousness.

She could feel the atomic force of pressure weighing down on her. Drinks of water would sink into her mouth with the weight of the Titanic. The glacier of inevitable demise elegantly approached Jennifer, glaring at her like a typhoon of cobras, and within the math problems, Jennifer was already as lost as a wolf in sheep's clothing without its teeth and claws.

Math. Never in her life had she experienced such a threatening subject. As she glanced back at the countdown displayed on her clock, the guillotine of stress began to surface from the dark, swampy pools of her mind. The fissure of fear slowly engulfed Jennifer like a black hole, while the noose of math problems wouldn't let her go. She became swallowed by the flames of difficult homework problems with an upcoming test.

The sizzling of pencil lead upon her papers would be seared and branded in her mind, and a hurricane of regret washed over her.

"Why didn't I start preparing earlier?"

Jennifer's attention span began to waiver in a tornado of lament, and finally, the winds of parental expectations blew Jennifer into a hypnotic, mesmerized state of despair.

Her saviour would be the most unlikely candidate; the obnoxious ticking clock. For just a moment, to signal the start of another heartless and mindless hour, the clock beeped an omnipotent, almighty sound, and like a lightning bolt of understanding, Jennifer shocked herself back into concentrating on her homework.

Frantically, like fleeting gazelle on the Savannah, Jennifer rushed through the barren plain of problems. She was removed from time, and possibly even space, and flew through the homework like a fighter jet piloted by Chuck Norris. Ripping a wormhole of efficiency and productivity through her room, Jennifer was approaching the axis of completion with regards to her homework.

However, one last coliseum of an obstacle stood before her. It was the ever elusive bonus-hard-question-that-you'll-never-be-able-to-answer-according-to-the-teacher question. If she could solve this, she would arrive at the pinnacle of mathematical understanding for the test, and could finally buy and raise a puppy.

Eventually, it proved difficult, but after razor sharp perseverance, Jennifer triumphed over the bonus-hard-question-that-you'll-never-be-able-to-answer-according-to-the-teacher question.

Feeling the fireworks of success, Jennifer collapsed onto her bed like a badly built bridge into water. She checked her phone, and suddenly realized something was amiss.

She understood that her test was on "tomorrow", but somehow, the number showing past midnight corresponded more towards "today", than "tomorrow". Then, like a freight train on a damsel in distress, it hit her. Since she had started her homework after midnight, she thought that "tomorrow" was actually "today". Overcome by a tsunami of realization that her test was indeed "tomorrow" after "today", or in other terms "two days after yesterday", or in other terms "one more night of sleep between the midnight that just passed and the test", or in other terms...

Jennifer then cried a waterfall of tears before locking herself into a deep sleep.

Through this experience, Jennifer would wake up every morning knowing how an avalanche of emotion feels.

Monday, July 26, 2010

4 Leaf Clevers For Sale


I would really love to see an ad like that, because that's exactly what I've been looking for. A 4 Leaf Clever.

I would go out of my way to buy one because I desperately need one so bad. Unfortunately no one seems to find these, or even look for them anymore, and most of the people that do find one keep it to themselves.

Although I myself must also plead guilty. I have not put in much effort to finding this mythical plant either. It eludes me, but I've given up on it. At times the naivety of a child allows you to spend hours on end searching for one, and the mere suspense of the search puts your hairs on end.

But those days are no more. Some say they have "better things to do", or others spout the classic "I no longer have time for that anymore", though is that really true? I myself feel like I have merely grown tired of the routine; a routine with scarce rewards.

However, despite learning things that work towards my best livelihood, I can't help but feel that I've lost a precious treasure. What's worse is I can't even clearly remember what this treasure was. I pull up a picture in my mind, but it is blurred. Why has my mind censored off this part of me? What did my first 4 Leaf Clever look like?

Despite how much I would give to have it in it's original form, all I can do is hope to retrace what's left. Tattered and torn, it would still be something to hold onto and maybe reforge into something new and possibly better.

I suppose slowly but surely I must come to grasp that a 4 Leaf Clever itself is a living entity, and will not last forever. The original only lasts for so long, and after it starts to wilt, you can piece it together only so many times.

It is not something I can merely find and hold onto. It requires nourishment, and needs a place to grow. And if I lose my 4 Leaf Clever, I should rest assured that there must be another one sprouting anew somewhere out there.

In fact, I think I may have just found one right now...

Monday, May 3, 2010

Textbook Narcissism


Narcissists don't wear glasses, they wear mirrors.

Narcissists believe that the light at the end of the tunnel is actually their reflection, which is why they are drawn to it.

If there is a mirror in your room when you give birth to a narcissist, you've automatically had twins.

It's impossible to commit identity theft on a narcissist, because they only carry photo ID credit cards.

A narcissist's 4-number PIN is easy to guess because it will always be the largest number, 9999.

Einstein's theory of relativity does not apply to narcissists because a narcissist does not acknowledge the fact that they can be compared to something.

In a narcissist's vocabulary, the word "absolute" is redundant because it is assumed.

In a narcissist's vocabulary, the word "best" does not exist because it is assumed.

Narcissists are natural romantics because they will always talk about your I's.

A narcissists speech impediment is not a lisp, it's an echo.

The word imperfect is actually "I'm perfect".

Narcissist artists can only draw self-portraits.

Narcissists treat everyone equally because everyone is equally not as perfect as the narcissist.

Narcissists are incapable of discrimination because there are only two categories from a narcissist's point of view: himself and everybody else.

A narcissist does not "lose". You were "allowed to win".

Narcissists are very understanding people, because if they are not, the commoners will revolt.

A narcissist will never believe what you have to say to him unless you convince him that he is right.

Narcissists are never caught "off-guard". They are caught "pretending not to know".

--To be continued...

Monday, March 29, 2010

Friendship Agreement


Friendship Agreement

This agreement is made as of the 29th day of March, 2009.


(the "Individual")


(the "Anomaly")


A. A bond of friendship will be kept between Individual and Anomaly if and only if the terms listed in this contract are followed.
B. A bond of friendship will be broken, with penalty, if the terms are not properly followed.

This agreement is hereby witness to:

A. The terms - considers the requirements necessary for the Anomaly to remain as a friend of the Individual.

B. Services - considers all actions the Individual expects from the Anomaly.

C. Compensation - considers all returns and payments towards the Anomaly by the Individual if the terms and services of this contract are followed

D. Terms of Cancellation - considers the punishment of each respective party should the contract be violated after approval or before an arbitrary Termination Date.

Section A - Terms

1. The Anomaly must not expand their body mass pass a certain weight threshold.

2. The Anomaly must not expand their body mass such that their physical image is no longer "pretty" (As defined by the Individual).

Section B - Services

1. Anomaly must endure...
a. Excessive compliments.

b. Sexism.

c. Critically impaired judgement.

2. Anomaly must accept...
a. All sincere invitations to play Defense of the Ancients.

Section C - Compensation

In return, the Individual must compensate, by the terms of the contract, to the Anomaly, a value of at least three (3) pieces of currency (as defined in (1) of this section) per game of Defense of the Ancients.

1. Whereas currency is the amount of sacrificial hero deaths.

Section D - Violation

In the event that this contract is breached without prior warning from the Anomaly, accepted by the Individual, the Anomaly is thereby subject to the following fines.

1. The delivery of a personally hand-made Sandwich to the Individual.

a. Whereas a Sandwich is defined as "Bread, Ham, Lettuce, Tomato, Bread", with other optional elements included.

IN ACCORDANCE WITH the Individual and Anomaly having both read through and agreeing with all statements contained within this contract, then this Agreement will have been executed as shown by the signatures of both parties below.

BY: ______________________


BY: ______________________