SCANNER + PEN + PAPER = ???

I have all these tools and resources at work, yet I have failed to use them properly.

Materials:
-Scanner
-Internet
-Computer
-Pen
-Paper
-Being Bored
-Retardation

COMPUTER GEOMETRY

Dear Reader

You are bad.

A is for awful

B is for bad

C is for crazy

D is for dumb

E is for emo

F is for fat

G is for gross

H is for hideous

I is for idiot

J is for jealous

K is for klutz

L is for lazy

M is for mean

N is for naughty

O is for offensive

P is for pathetic

Q is for queer

R is for retarded

S is for selfish

T is for terrible

U is for ugly

V is for vain

W is for weird

X is for xenophobic

Y is for yucky

Z is for zero good things about you.

Article 15

Section I - Applicable to situations in which your emotional state is imbalanced and tilted towards a certain affinity.

Part A
On the premises in which your emotional state is imbalanced and tilted towards negativity.

1. I will cheer you up.
2. I will listen.
3. I will try to give feedback.
4. I will try to offer a solution.
5. I will let you cry on my shoulder if need be.

Part B
On the premises in which your emotional state is imbalanced and tilted towards positivity.

1. I will be happy with you.
2. I will be happy for you.
3. I will do all that I can to keep you happy.

Section II - Amendments or Violations

Part A
Conditions of amending the already existing contract between client and lover.

1. Argue.
i. If the argument tilts in the client favor, the lover must make a compromise based on his or her discretion during the time of the situation.
ii. If the argument tilts in the lover's favor, the client must make a compromise based on his or her discretion during the time of the situation.
iii. If there is no solution reached during the duration of the argument, refer to Article 17, Section 5, Part C.

2. One party decides to step down.
i. In such a case, the party who has not stepped down is allowed to dictate the details of the amendment.

Part B
1. Any violation made to the contract will receive a proper fine and punishment according to the other party.
2. Any appeals made for violations must refer to Article 15, Section II, Part A, 1.

Section III - Terms of compensation.
Part A
1. Both parties must remain loyal to each other, as well as the terms of the contract.
2. Each contractor shall love the one signed to his or her paired contract.
3. Extra rewards may be given at each client's own discretion only if the situation warrants such an action.

If you love me, and have read and agree to the terms above, please sign below.

Client's Name __________________

Client's Signature __________________

Date __________________

Love,

Contractor's Name __________________

Contractor's Signature __________________

Date __________________

So...I herd U liek 2 werk

Been working for about 4 weeks now. Nonstop.

It's really draining.

So I thought I would write a little something to see if I still had it in me to write something to test if I still had it in me to write something funny.

*High Five*!

Guess not.

So with a bit of this money I've decided to start playing World of Warcraft...

And I also notice that many of you stopped reading right there.

And now you think I'm going to say "No! It's not like you think!"

But yes, it is as you think. I am playing World of Warcraft.

S0 li3k i th1nk i am soooooo000oooo kool.

Anyways if anyone still reads this, I will be surprised. So surprised that I'll be surprised.

My brain is absolutely exhausted.

Bye.

Studying is EPIC.

So I've spent the past 3 days studying physics.

I've been studying Electromagnetism and Vectors.

In fact, I've

Drawn enough Free Body Diagrams to traverse the world's great seas.

-Imagine being Neo in the Matrix but instead of seeing everything in binary, you see everything in Free Body Diagrams!

Conquered alphas, betas, and gammas as Alexander the Great did the world.

-It would make me king of Greek letters.

Moved tiny electrons as if I were a slave building the Egyptian Pyramids.

-I wish I had some pulleys.

Punched so many numbers on my calculator it would make Muhammad Ali proud.

-*Cue Eye of the Tiger as you envision someone punching numbers on a Casio calculator in rapid succession*

Used so many pieces of pencil graphite that if I just scrunched up all the Carbon, I could probably have a pretty big diamond by now.

-Imagine just scribbling all over a paper, scrunching it up and POW, you get a diamond. Alchemy at its greatest.

Exhausted so much paper that I'm expecting treehuggers to bang on my door any minute.

-Solution: Switch to composite paper.

Practiced my flips (of book pages) so much that I could be an Olympic gymnast.

-Best way to just "learn by the books".

Drank so much energy that I could have formed a black hole in my stomach.

-I think black holes in your stomach are called ulcers...

Wasted so much time on DotA.

-Waste.

Kittens.

So I saw this as I was browsing and thought I should share.


It's clearly the truth. Kittens are all-powerful in this world.

Newton's Laws Are Everywhere!!

Although originally applied to Physics, I believe that Newton's laws are applicable in all situations.

I would first like to provide some reasoning behind this seem-to-brash assumption.

First of all, Newton was an overall genius. His cranial matter, the mass-of-amazing-intellect-and-potential-to-do-awesome-things, aka brain for you commoners, was so dense, it generated a gravitational field that was so strong, it pulled an apple off a tree.

Second of all, Newton has made claims that back up his incredible genius. Quoted from his Wikipedia page :

"Newton described universal gravitation and the three laws of motion, laying the groundwork for classical mechanics, which dominated the scientific view of the physical Universe for the next three centuries and is the basis for modern engineering."

That description is a bit convoluted though because just about everybody can input information into Wikipedia, so let me re-analyze and untangle that mess of words for you in Layman's terms.

Newton can describe gravity of the universe in THREE laws. As everyone knows, the number 3 is revered as a magical number. Therefore, Newton is a magician.

Next, he laid the groundwork for classical mechanics. Who else can lay down ground? That's right, only God can. The soil you're standing on? Newton did it. Although not quite as efficient as God who created the ground in 1 day, Newton can create it in 3.

Another keyword from that segment is the word "classical". What's classical? Mozart is classical. This is to say, Newton was so amazing, he made Mozart.

Furthermore, Newton DOMINATED the scientific VIEW of the PHYSICAL UNIVERSE for the next THREE centuries and is the BASIS of modern engineering.

Now each of those keywords definitely means something. What does it mean when something DOMINATES? It means they don't leave any room for any others.

What does it mean to DOMINATE the VIEW? It means only he can see the view.

And then to DOMINATE the VIEW of the PHYSICAL UNIVERSE. Means Newton's head was so fat full of cranial matter, that he blocked out the sun, the neighboring solar system's sun, the galaxy's sun, and finally the universe's sun. That's pretty fat.

Also, realize that the number three has come up again? Newton is the basis of 3 centuries. It means if you take the determinant of 3-Dimensional space of all the space-time of those centuries, it doesn't equal zero. It's linearly independent. How many distinct things can occur and exist in 3 centuries of space-time? A lot. Unfortunately Newton's reign ended when we realized there was more D's in space...apparently 4 D's and even up to...11? Which I don't quite understand unless someone's been using really fine print on me, because I've never seen a "D" in space. It's always been s-p-a-c-e...Whatever.

Finally, Newton's name is just amazing. Break it up and you get all kinds of cool combos. Like...New Ton. Or Newt On. On Newt? Add in his first name, Isaac, and you make anagrams like, Ocean Saw Tin. HOW DOES AN OCEAN SEE ONE OF THE ELEMENTS ON THE PERIODIC TABLE? I don't know, but Newton made it happen. If you use his FULL name, Sir Isaac Newton, you get stuff like...Await Corniness. He's so amazing he ALREADY KNOWS what he could say could be corny. This guy can STILL tell the future even though he's sleeping in his grave for 3 centuries. Albeit he knows that his sense of humor sucks though.

So, the question comes down to, is MY claim false? Of course, I could never be as fully true as Newton, but I will try. However, I will do my best to convince you that Newton's Laws are everywhere.

First, let's start with some elementary subjects. For reference, Newton's three laws are:

First Law: An object in motion tends to stay in motion, and an object at rest tends to stay at rest unless acted on by an outside force.

Second Law: An applied force on an object equals its rate of change of momentum and the time. More commonly seen, if mass is held constant, as force = mass x acceleration.

Third Law: For every force there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Since they are already given, these will be the laws that stand for Physics.

Now analyze the following:

Math

First law: Any number tends to stay as that number unless you perform a mathematical operation on it.

Second law: A mathematical operation is equal to the rate of change of your mind versus how much knowledge you take in and how smart you really are. Simply put, too much math practice will make your head explode.

Third law: Every mathematical operation has an equal and opposite operation. Like how you can undo addition with subtraction, multiplication with division, etc. You can even undo an integral with a derivative.

English

First law: Any sentence, phrase, or word, tends to retain it's meaning unless you add in random other stuff...like grammar...or more letters.

Second law: Random other stuff is equal to the rate of change of your frustration and your sugar level. That's how most good literature is written anyways.

Third law: Every random thing has an equal an opposite random other thing. Good literature always has those rabid fans, plus those people that would hang themselves to avoid reading it.

ENGLISH IS BRILLIANT.

Biology

First law: Every thick biology textbook tends to get thicker after every edition, while every thin biology textbook tends to not be used, unless acted on by an external author or student.

Second law: Students and authors in biology is equal to the rate of change of how many times people can argue "NO, CHICKEN CAME FIRST" vs "NUH UH, EGG." and idiocy. Seriously, who gets worked up over an argument over chickens and eggs. Eat them both, sheesh. Cook them together. Now if you ask whether the appetizer or the chicken-egg dinner came first, that's a different story.

Third law: For every biology lesson, there is another biology lesson happening somewhere else that is teaching the exactly opposite thing.

Chemistry

First law: Every atom, molecule, and formula, stays that way unless you make something go BOOM!

Second law: Stuff going BOOM! is equal to what chemicals are used and your desires as a pyromaniac.

Third law: For everything that goes BOOM! there is something that goes...MOOB? (Not sure about this one. Is a question mark the opposite of an exclamation mark?)

This concludes the basic subjects of knowledge, but there has to be MORE applications, right? Well yeah, there is. Redundant question, I got you.

Love (Oh geez this is gonna get messy)

First law: A person not in love tends to stay not in love, and a person in love tends to stay in love, unless complicated stuff happens. (That's why there's the "It's Complicated" option on relationships for Facebook. Also the one thing they got right.)

Second law: Complicated stuff is equal to more complicated stuff and how well you deal with the successive complications.

Third law: Every complicated thing has an equally forceful slap or argument associated with it.

Religion (Time to get messier q_q)

First law: Believers stay believers, non-believers stay non-believers, unless a MIRACLE happens.

Second law: Miracles are equal to how happy God is today. There's no second variable.

Third law: Every miracle is associated with an appropriate amount of media coverage and annoying papparazzi. (In case you didn't get this one, Miracle = Good, not often. Media coverage and papparazzi = Bad, ALWAYS THERE ARGH.)

Philosophy

First law: Stuff that happens tends to happen. Stuff that doesn't happen tends to not happen. Unless some other stuff happens to make the stuff happen that should or shouldn't.

Second law: Stuff happening is equal to how much stuff is happening.

Third law: Everything that happens has something else that's not gonna happen.

CHAOS THEORY AAAHHHHHH!!!!!

Games

First law: People that get owned (noobs) tend to always get owned. People that are good at games (pro, gosu) tend to own noobs, unless there's ATTITUDE. Like the noob gets pissed and improves, or the pro gets cocky and slumps.

Second law: ATTITUDE is equal to ANGRINESS and potential to be pro or not.

Third law: For every game, there is a winner, and a loser. NOT EVERYONE CAN BE A WINNER. I'M SORRY PEYTON MANNING. I WATCHED YOUR MASTERCARD COMMERCIALS BUT I WASN'T CONVINCED.

Music

First law: Things in tune stay in tune, things out of tune stay out of tune, unless acted by an outside unknown dilemma, known as talent for those out of tune, and a cold for those in tune. However, mankind has been able to overcome this law recently with autotune. THE MIRACLES OF TECHNOLOGY!

Second law: Colds just come. They suck. Talent doesn't just come, which sucks. Look at what English can do with just a few changed words. (Refer to Newton's Laws of English, First law)

Third law: For every sound, there is an equal and opposite sound. Like, the opposite of a laughing sound is a crying sound. They're equally painful too, in different ways! Laughing too hard or crying too hard can both cause cramps.

People

First law: I'm me, you're you. We're unique. Unless I use some Jedi mind tricks.

Second law: Jedi mind tricks are equal to the Force, Yoda, and the Skywalkers, because those seem to be the only people that ever exist for more than 2 movies.

Third law: For every Jedi skill on the Light side, there's like 30 million more tricks on the Dark side. It's seriously messed up. Why would anyone want to be on the Light side??

Seriously, what is wrong. Light side...what the heck. Oh right. As I have proven...blah blah blah...Newton everywhere, yeah...blah blah blah...

What the heck Light side...what's the point of not being evil -_-...

Gr...

*Goes off to mope*