Those Corporate Bastards...

When one thinks gaming nowadays, what's the first few things that might pop into someone's head?

World of Warcraft by Blizzard? XBOX360 by Microsoft? The chain of EA franchise games? Or maybe you'd like to go back to old school Tetris. All these companies seem to make games for your enjoyment, but unknown to the public eye, they all have an ulterior motive. Here's the latest scoop:

Today's subject is EA

Let's begin.

One of EA's latest games:

Mirror's Edge
This game is NORTH AMERICA ONLY. Not Canada. Not US. North America.

But why would EA do this?

Let's see what EA has acquired and released as of late.

Beginning with:

WESTWOOD STUDIOS

Westwood studios was highly known for the intense Command and Conquer series...until EA took it. Now it's just known as the Command and Conquer series, minus the intense. Then EA took the concept and released Command and Conquer : Generals.

Making a statement? Clearly the earlier Command and Conquer games put you in the role of an army general, clearly noted in the early Tiberium Sun series and Red Alert series. But NO, EA has to MAKE SURE YOU KNOW YOU'RE A GENERAL.

EA Press Conference:

A: "What is the point of this game?"
B: "I think you gotta move the mouse around."
A: "Which one is the mouse."
B: "Here I'll lend you my wireless mouse, it's PERFECT for gaming and these situations."
A: "WOW. Thanks."

A: "So this game...what should we do about it."
B: "Well, you're an intelligent guy, because you work for EA, and since you couldn't figure out what this game is about, I suppose 100% of the population won't be able to either. I think we should spearhead the project with a SERIOUS but PROFESSIONAL name. Let's call it...Command and Conquer: GENERALS. You'll be the General in a game where you Command and Conquer...Understand?"
A: "Ooohhh...not really, but the name sounds cool. Maybe it'll turn into a franchise!"
B: "I think it already was one. I think we bought it because we thought we could take advantage of that fact. Hm...oh well."

B: "So...Mr. (Doesn't Know Anything About RTS nor The C&C Series)...any design ideas for this game?"
A: "Good question. I think we should start from scratch and ignore all the past successes and pros of the previous Command and Conquer games, and release something very characteristic of EA."
B: "GOOD IDEA."

1 week later.
B: "Hey I got the prototype version."
Project Manager: "Only?? Uh...well on the calendar it says we need to release a game today. We'll release yours ok?"
B: "But...it's..."
Project Manager: "So i herd u liek promoshuns"
B: "Ok, so...price?"
Project Manager: "The usual. $60."
B: "Ads?"
Project Manager: "The usual. Everywhere."
B: "Art?"
Project Manager: "Hm...my 5 year old has an Arts and Crafts project due tomorrow. I'll tell him to whip something up. Hey, I'll tell him it's killing two birds with one stone!"

1 week later.
A: "Wow, I must say this is pretty fun. I'm a complete noob. I just have to make sure I build one unit over and over."
B: "Yeah I know right?? But I got other things to do, talk to you later. I'm promoted, you're not."
A: "Wow, I must say this is pretty fun!"

@Blizzard Headquarters:
C: "Yo wtf is this?"
D: "Dunno"
C: "This looks like it was finished in one week"
D: "Probably was."
C: "Fuck my life if Starcraft II turns out like this."
D: "We gotta make sure we get it perfect, not like this EA stuff."
C&D: "HIGH FIVE!"

Clearly, EA missed the target on this one.

Then there was THE SIMS.

The main purpose of the Sims franchise...was to be a franchise. And to study human AI and gibberish so that EA could eventually rule the world after they learn how to be Generals and command massive armies of battle tanks.

Here is a excerpt from the design team of The Sims:
E: "?"
F: "!"
E: ": )"
F: ": D"

With that exciting concept, The Sims was released and an instant hit. Next conversation is as follows:
E: "$?"
F: ": D"

With that exciting concept, The Sims expansion packs were released. By the time you could type in the cheats for 1000 Simoleans, the new expansion pack was out where you'd have to start typing more cheats to get all the new stuff. Smart EA...

Other notable games EA has released include:
Rock Band (for music)
EA Sports (Such as NHL, Madden, FIFA) (for sports)
Spore (For evolution and future cosmic domination)
SimCity (How to manage a City. The starting point and base of your army)
Need for Speed (How to shake off the cops)

However, there was one thing missing and one tall wall in their way.

Take Two Interactive. (Which EA decided to attempt a hostile takeover and failed.)

Without Grand Theft Auto and BioShock, EA was missing two vital conditions for world takeover, notably How To Do Things Right and How To Do Things When The World is FUCKED.

However, unfortunately, so far EA has been sneaky and ninja, as proven by their Mirror's Edge game, and no one has been able to pin sufficient concrete evidence on them yet.

Anyways, in conclusion, EA is clearly trying to acquire America and Canada in one big sweep, and collectively command it under the name "NORTH AMERICA". It is up to WE THE PEOPLE, or in Canadian lingo "Oi, we better get together, eh?", to stop this atrocity.

Any other leads on EA's ulterior motives deeply appreciated, please and thank you.

Anyways, time to go play on the Microsoft XBOX 360. I'll be playing EA Sports NHL 09 by the way.

I AM NOT A HYPOCRITE. STFU.